Yes, I Got Divorced.

Have you ever heard Him say "I love you"? Have you ever heard that voice reach out to you and speak? It's hardly describable. There's no moment as infinite as the moment you hear Him, and each time is like the first time. So if you haven't, I am truly sorry.

Life doesn't always turn out how we'd like it to. I got married and had everything planned. And I got divorced, and I had nothing planned. There isn't much I'd like to say. And who would want to have a lot to say about such a painful period? I prided myself on being strong and independent and I have been taught that I am proud and need many other people. It's hard to admit that I allowed myself to be caught in an abusive relationship. And that I allowed that relationship to continue to marriage. It's hard to admit that through that relationship, I allowed myself to become abusive. I've overcome depression, crippling anxiety, a body diseased and misformed, agonizing chronic pain, rape, and suicidal tendencies that only failed because He held me in my body until the time passed. I've been poor and not had anything to eat. Alone and unsure, and just trying to find a way to live in the States. I have considered mental hospitals. But I always came through, He always brought me through.

How was I to know that one relationship would see me lie to myself and everyone around me? How was I to know that some people should not be together, and if forced they would hurt each other in such close vicinity?

When I got married, I thought that it was life falling into place and God giving me a chance to be 'normal'. I didn't know I'd no longer have control over my personal, social... and sexual life. I didn't know it would turn a decent man into a monster and myself into a tornado. I had to do things and live a life that makes me sick to my stomach. I feel scarred- like I've walked through fire and I'm blistered all over. That entire time period is hard for me to think about. I did things I am so far from proud of and I tried to withstand a storm that wrecked me.

I was nervous about getting married but willing to take a chance. But I have never been more sure of anything than I was when I knew I had to get a divorce. It has not been easy. My family has been shaken and still I haven't been able to talk about everything. But some things need to be said. Yes, I got married. Yes, it turned abusive. And yes, I got a divorce. I refuse to let it continue to define me and I refuse to think of myself as a black sheep. I was hurt and cut deeper than I knew you could be cut, but He brought me out. I believe that with every fiber of my soul. And I'm sure that eventually, I'll be able to heal fully. But for now, He's led me to some really great places and I'm going to be happy about that! Because I don't let my pain run my life, and we're all broken in the end.

Hi, My Name is Grace and I'm a Survivor of Attempted Suicide

September is my birth month. It also happens to be Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Now it's almost over and I've put off writing this but I don't want to miss the end so here goes.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts affect many of us, whether it is personally or through friends and family. Sometimes it's just a period in our life that is particularly hard, other times it is an imbalance in the hormones and chemicals of our brains. "Untreated depression is the number one risk for suicide among youth." I experienced both of those when I was a teenager, beginning around age 9. From that point until now I have dealt with, been overcome by, survived, struggled with, drowned beneath and fought against depression. At times it has seemed an impossible task, and every morning is like waking up to a battlefield.

I have been in this struggle for nearly 13 years, more than half of my lifetime. And there have been many, many times when I tried to shorten that lifespan. I have tried to hang myself but the rope broke. I have tried to overdose myself many times but I always woke up. One time I took 14 hydrocodone, 10 hydromorphone and threw in some sleeping pills for added affect. That night was agony! I was aware and yet paralyzed. I could feel every vein in my body pulsing with the drugs and I could feel my breathing becoming more shallow by the second until finally it was barely there at all. But I still woke up. And finally, I got so depressed of trying and failing to die that I became a habitual cutter.

Over the years, I did reach out to a few people but nobody knew everything. I didn't want people to pity me so I never told any one person the full extent of everything that I was dealing with. Instead I took to writing and penned hundreds of poems during this time in my life. Some were the typical angst teenager emotional poems, but others are the reason that I continue to write today. I found my outlet in writing and I believe that it is a big reason that I am still alive today. When I finally found help and went to a professional psychologist, my communication skills were terrible. I could cite facts and tell stories and inform people of events but anything emotional and I couldn't even form the words. I completely shut down and a sort of glazed mask took over my face. Each therapy session I would walk in and after a few pleasantries I would pull out my journal and hand it to him. This is how I had learned to communicate through my depression and it was the only way I knew to ask for help.

After seeing my psychologist for many months, he decided that my case was one which might need medication to help me. So I went to a psychiatrist and was given medication for depression, anxiety and insomnia. I want to be clear that I did try other therapies before resorting to drug intervention. Yet none of that therapy can even compare to the help that these medicines have been for my brain and mental state. I can now get out of bed, even when I don't want to. I can now face difficult situations, without having a panic attack. And I can sleep through the night and wake up with more energy than I went to bed with.

I firmly believe that God blessed me with my psychologist. He was unprofessionally blunt and honest, and that helped me to be able to be honest. And he helped me learn how to communicate and speak up about my needs, desires and the things that I didn't want to do. Before then, I always said yes to everything and everyone. Or by my silence allowed things to happen to me that I detested. This is how I was raped, molested and abused. I didn't know that I had a right to say no. And this made my depression spiral even further into hopelessness.

You may be wondering why I'm sharing all this, or what it has to do with suicide prevention because I haven't even mentioned suicide since the beginning of the post. But my point is this: people can be sick. Their hormones in their brain can be out of whack just like anywhere else in the body. And the idea that people with mental illnesses should not be considered in the same category as people with other health problems is ridiculous. If anything, mental illnesses should be considered even greater risk because there is still so much that we don't know about treating and healing it. So don't minimize or patronize those with it, don't push it aside if you're dealing with it yourself and don't disregard it in society as a whole. We're all in this together and if you can support the cause to end Alzheimer's or cancer or a host of other problems, then you can support those suffering with mental illness.

And if you're dealing with mental illness and you don't know what to do, please seek professional help. At the very least call the national suicide prevention hotline or call a friend. Call me! If you don't have my number, then send me an email or message and I'll give it to you. We're in this together. And you are not alone, just as I am not alone.

My name is Grace, and I am a daily survivor of suicide dealing with clinical depression with schizophrenic tendencies. That is my medical diagnosis. What's yours?

Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255

http://www.suicide.org/

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/

Speaking Of...

I feel like I'm always saying that it's been a while... But truthfully, it usually has been! Winston and I are settled into our new lives, me with the new town, and we have found a fantastic church family to walk alongside during our time here. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll know that I've been deeply involved with the animal shelter and local animal rescues as well. I love that I am finally getting to fulfill a lifelong dream of volunteering at a shelter and helping our furry blessings on earth! I can remember watching "Animal Cops [Insert City Here]" as soon as the shows became a thing and watching for years, eager to get back to the States where such a thing existed and where people truly cared for the stray animals and their needs.

This has kept me busy along with my new (and yet old) job doing home health, and Winston has started working at Lowes in his free time from school. It's a busy time for us and there always seem to be something to do. But sometimes we get to slow down and just enjoy life like we will this weekend, for his cousin's wedding! I'm so excited to go and see the family and enjoy the ceremony, as they got engaged when we were! Now we won't be the newest newly weds either :)

Speaking of family, it's been difficult to be away from my family so much but I have been so wholeheartedly embraced by his family that I feel like the most blessed in law in history! I truly love and get along with his family, even when our opinions differ, and they accept and chuckle over my crazy ways and insane animal passion much like my own family does... I don't know how common it is to be great friends with your in laws, but I feel like it may not be as widespread and that makes me all the more thankful. Though at times I don't understand their thinking and they don't understand mine, I think it helps me as I come at the relationships from the knowledge that I am not American and that my thinking will in many ways differ. Yet acceptance and love is the most important things, regardless of any variances. All of this to say, if you have in laws, remember the blessing that God has given you in a second family! And even if your relationship is not as good as mine, also remember that prayer is a powerful thing.

Speaking of family, our new church, Commerce Community Church or C3, has been a great resource and witness to us! We have been attending for a few months now and officially became members the Sunday before Easter Sunday. I can't describe how amazing it is to find a community like this in the States! Outside of the YWAM bases I've been to, I haven't found any other church to be this involved and motivated with the growth and maturity of their members and leaders. I am not putting down other churches but merely reminding us that growth and challenging our faith is a step that we need to take each and every day, and they do! It is always good to hear of a church fulfilling the call and purpose of a Christ-like life. And as an MK, I think this has been the single greatest blessing of my move. Because without our new church family, it would be much harder to have moved so far from my own and then go to a big church where it is hard to know everyone and the pastor is so far away I can barely see him. This may be enough for others, but I am not sorry it is not enough for me.

Speaking of church, another cool thing about our new church is that they encourage their members each quarter to read a book, whether on different aspects of the faith, missions, biographies of great leaders, etc. they are always encouraging learning and development. It is also nice to know that the whole church is not only going through their Bibles together but also delving into another source of Biblical instruction and encouragement. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm such a book lover either...

Speaking of learning, I have been doing a lot of reading on India lately and am re-vamping my desire to learn and grow in my understanding of missions. Even though the date of our move is up to God and training completion, I firmly believe that when God calls you to something it is your calling and you should actively pursue it regardless of when the fruit of your efforts will come about. I have not been as active as I once was because I became incredibly distracted with my new relationship, the wedding, the move, etc. But now I am back on track! And though the best example and instruction on missions can be found in the four gospels and Acts, I also find it helpful to study the methods and insight of other missions and missionaries. That being said, if you have any suggestions and would like to gift some future missionaries with them, let me know! I'd be happy to devour any books suggested.

I hope that this finds you well, and that you are actively pursuing God's will in your life. It is a sweet and exciting journey when you take it with Him!

New Family Member

Well, it happened! Our little family is adding another member!! A lot of people expected it, some teased about it... But we didn't expect it to happen so soon. IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!

That's right! But it's not a baby, it's a four legged little girl :)

We have rescued a little Deaf heeler mix and her name is quite appropriately Shenanigans. She's learning house training and her mother's habit of sleeping all the time (which is perfect!) and she's bonded to Alora so quickly! They are the best of playmates and I'm already teaching Alora to lead her inside when I can't get her attention. Which will be very useful if she ever escapes! And it's helped Alora settle in more in our new home, having a job and a playmate. Already she is learning sit and come, and in the weeks and months and years to come she will learn much more I'm sure! I've always been fascinated with deaf dogs and their training and Winston is just as excited as I am for this journey.

Don't forget to follow along with us! Maybe one day we will add a different kind of family member...

Marriage and Phases

Hiya! Gosh, it's been quite a while since I've written! I guess being engaged and planning a wedding will do that to you. But it's been a  great time and I've truly enjoyed the past months!

The wedding was beautiful, a bit cold but considerably warm for late December. My dress (my mom's dress) was perfect, enormous and gorgeous! If you were able to come, I'd like to say thank you for sharing in our memories (and I promise the thank you cards are coming-- it's just so much easier to write thank you cards and address envelopes when you are looking forward to a wedding as inspiration). In some ways, it was exactly what I expected and in other ways it was completely different. Getting to see so much of my family, especially those who live far away and I haven't seen in years, was such a wonderful gift. It was a time that I know will not happen often and was all the more precious because of it.

So! Mushy bit aside, we went on our honeymoon which was a cruise in the Caribbean and I was sick with a sinus infection for half of the time... Not quite the 'honeymoon' phase of a honeymoon, but I was able to go out at each island and eventually able to walk around and go places with Winston. However I did discover that most things on a cruise go on in the evening... And by evening, I mean night. As an old soul with a bedtime at 9pm, this was probably the most difficult part for me. After yawning through the captain's dinner at 8:15, I realized that the real reason I never was a partyer was probably the fact that I can't stay up past 10. Actually, I may be able to stay 'up' but I will be asleep in that up position. As Winston has found out, it is a great talent of mine to fall asleep any and everywhere when the body demands it!

But we did have some great times searching the decks, pilfering the candy shop and beasting at the trivia games! And of course relaxing on some beaches.

As always, it was amazing to travel and have fun with my husband (heh, yes, I have a husband!). But I think getting back home was my favorite. I love being in my own home, having all of my furry babies around me and my husband moving the heavy boxes. And I love my house!

Although it's been nice having our own home, we have been dealing with unwelcome little fur balls. A few sightings of them and we had to call the landlord, fill holes and unfortunately put out poison. I really hate poison, not just because it's a terrible way to go, but also because it makes me nervous for my own pets possibly getting into it. I lost two dogs in Jamaica to rat poison consumption, and it was agony watching them slowly die. But, we were able to put the poison in hidden and out of the reach places so I think everyone will be safe! Except the visitors... But I can't have them around my babies, they're highly likely to carry disease. Otherwise, you can rest assured I'd be catching them and releasing them somewhere safe! But you know, they may just move somewhere else because I've honestly never come across wild rats that were so sophisticated. Not only was the only food they ate in our pantry my expensive organic steel cut oats, leaving the walmart brand untouched; they also pooped in our toilet. Yes, you read that right! That was a bit startling to find but I can only assume that they knew what they were doing as there was no body... Although they did leave the lid up and didn't flush. Gosh, ungrateful little thieves.

And for now, I guess that's all I have! I'll be trying to update things more often these coming months as Winston and I start our journey towards India and missions. Right now a big prayer request is that I can find a job soon! I've applied to every home health agency within 50 miles and I haven't heard back yet. I know that God will provide in His time. 

Ministry Update

Hey guys! I just wanted to give a quick update on how things are going down here in Honduras for those of you who have been supporting us in your prayers and financially. For the past two weeks we have been helping my parents with their ministry, volunteered at the YWAM base and helped at my old church's neighborhood coffee shop. But most of all, it is very good to be home!

I have successfully shown Winston around the important parts of my hometown and taken a trip to the second largest city in the country where we went to a movie and Winston saw his first movie with subtitles! No experience is too cliché for us this trip. Our first experience volunteering at the coffee shop, Winston struck up a game of Uno with a girl my age who is deaf and lives with a local missionary family as well as a little Honduran boy. Nobody knew the other's language, but somehow the game still got on fine. It was wonderful to turn around after helping make coffee or taking an order and see each of them smiling and having fun playing together.

Winston has been helping my Dad out with various chores of managing their property here, one of which is taking the rust off the gate and repainting it. Each time he works on it, he comes away looking either a lot more tan or like a green ogre! But I know that my Dad greatly appreciates it.

As you may have seen on my Facebook page, I am going to try and bring back one of my dogs who is getting old and cannot handle the climate anymore. I've been researching various ways of trying to keep bugs off of her and heal an abscess before she can be brought home and the other day I made natural lotion, bug repellent and essential oil to help combat the multitude of bugs that assault her every day. As I knew she would still scratch and lick her old bites, I had to find natural recipes which was a little challenging. Today I will be giving her an oatmeal bath, followed by the lotion and so far the spray seems to be working! A good thing too because lately my health has confined me to my bed but it took two hours to make all of that stuff. Well worth it in my opinion though! The picture below is of part of the process which involved boiling lemons down into a concentrate to use in the lotion and spray.

Unfortunately I don't have as many pictures as I'd like because honestly, it's hard to find time to stop and snap a picture when you're in the middle of ministry or volunteering. If you have any questions about our trip or what we're doing, please feel free to contact me! If you would like to donate to either helping me pay off my plane ticket or helping me bring Gabby back to the U.S., there is a PayPal button at the top right corner of this page. Just specify which cause you are donating to in the memo line and I will let you know when I receive the payment. Thank you for all of the support yall give!

Updates and Travels

This is going to be a short and sweet post, right to the point. Please read it.

It may have been a considerable amount of time since I last spoke to or saw you, but even if you only read my blog occasionally and never met me, rest assured you are never far from my heart and my mind. I often think and pray for those who read the words of someone they have never met. For those of you I do know personally, the times and memories that I have of each of you are always a comfort to me.

To give a brief update on my life, I am working as a home health aide these days. Without a doubt it's my favorite job! I never would have guessed that I would want to be a nurse but God works in mysterious ways and He has revealed the desire of my heart in this. I am excited to see how this plays out on the mission field in my future.

Speaking of my future, this past January I said yes to marrying a handsome young man and we will be beginning our journey together this December. We are so happy to be embarking on this adventure together and our hearts are both in the Eastern mission field.
Which leads me to another trip! This month my fiance and I will be traveling down to visit my parents in Siguatepeque, Honduras. We will be working some with my parents, some with the local YWAM base as well a local special needs school. This will also be my opportunity to show my fiance, Winston, a part of my life as a former MK. I am happy that I get this chance to show him what it was like for me and to reconnect with some missions that are close to my heart. As you may remember,  I owe the YWAM base there as the instrument that God used to bring me back to him when I was lost.

Thus this trip is going to be very emotional and rewarding in so many ways. God tells us numerous times to refresh our souls and renew our minds. Often this can be done by looking back at where we came from and reflecting on where we are now.

Thanks to my parents' generosity in housing and putting up with me for a month, I get to do this! God is good.

However I also have a request. If you could please be praying for our trip, our safety and growth- I would appreciate it! My plane ticket to get down there costs $587. If you can help me by contributing to this cost, even if it is only $5, I would be very blessed! As always,  please pray about it before giving and always follow God's guidance. You can go online to my parents' website to give, http://www.goodwordministry.org/ and enter my name in the memo line. You can send checks to GWM, P.O. Box 452, Weatherford TX 76086 (make sure to put my name in the memo line there!). Or you can donate on this very page, on the top right corner where you will find a paypal button titled Grace's Mission Fund.

I write this in the good faith that God will be working in the right people's hearts to send me on this journey and to quote Paul, "I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, always praying with joy for all of you in my every prayer, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:3-6)

I hope and pray that this finds you all in good health in spirit, mind and body. May the Lord bless you and keep you always.